Who needs a Porsche

Who needs a Porche when you've got one of THESE

Things to do in the elevator!! - Got to be barmy to do this mind you!!

1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5.Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6.Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's Mine!"

7.Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9.Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12.Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15.Swat at flies that don't exist.

16.Tell people that you can see their aura.

17.Call out, "Group Hug!” and then enforce it.

18.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

19.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your One of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23.Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

This would never happen at my club- worst luck

Golfers 'offered sex while playing a round'
I can't imagine what this would do to your handicap but I would certainly imagine it would hold up play during a competition...............

Two golf course owners have been charged with pimping after naked women allegedly enticed golfers into tents near putting greens.Police say the women offered lap dances and sex for money in the tents at the Hidden Valley Golf Club at Norco, California.
Prosecutors say the women performed various acts on the men inside tents and under canopies during private golf club functions.Two managers of the golf course have been charged with felony pimping and pandering.
Defence attorneys Steve Harmon and John Barnett said that no one actually saw their clients take part in the prostitution operation.But Deputy District Attorney Arthur Chang said the golf course managers had to know about the prostitution ring. "Of course they had to know what was going on on the course," he said.

Hurragh!

We celebrated St Georges Day Last night with a most excellent meal of Beef Wellington and great company at the Plume. A wonderful meal served in the tradition it was meant. I’m sure in other counties and inner cities whose inhabitants and councils are more politically correct feel that we as a nation should not indulge in patriotism would rather we did not celebrate these national days for fear of upsetting our ethnic minorities (shortly to become majorities) but they can go and screw themselves! We only have 3 Muslims in Hungerford, 2 run the paper shop and the other the Kebab Van and I couldn’t give a toss what they do for Ramadan, as for the other religions – go luck to them. However a rousing chorus of ‘Jerusalem’ at the end I thought was most apprpopriate.
Hello to Nicky, Tony N’s partner for the evening whom I promised a mention.

I'd vote for her

A fantastic Dr Who last night and I only wish that Harriet Jones MP for Flydale North was a real MP as I would vote for her! However a few cracks appeared in last night’s episode which harkened back to the good old days of Whoism eg. I’m sure one of the previous Doctors had a remote control to materialise the Tardis in which case they could have escaped the sealed cabinet room, and how come that Rose was unaware that the Doctor had a phone in the Tardis (albeit a 1970’s Trim phone – nice touch I thought) but she had the number programmed in to her mobile which displayed ‘Tardis calling’ as it rang? And the fact that one can just hack into a Naval computer system, launch a cruise missile at No.10, destroying all the aliens except our heroes goes beyond belief otherwise someone would have done it long ago.
Next week – The Daleks – I can’t wait! great Dr Who site RELATIVE DIMENSIONS give a complete review of every episode.

New Blog for Hungerford

I've added a new blog to my list on the left SOLICITOR SUE This is a new blog belonging to a very good frieng of mine and a well known character in Hungerford, so give it a while to develop, I'm hoping for some intersting stuff concerning local activities here. Good luck with it Sue

Nothing much to say

Well with no golf for at least another 3 weeks due to my arm injury and no rugby to report on I haven't had much to say this week. I don't intend to get draw in to the election circus except to say I predict that the turn out of voters will be one of the lowest ever, there's just not enough between the major parties to make one enthusiastic.

I have to shamefully admit that all week I have been watching 'Cosmetic Surgery Live' every night at 11.00pm on channnel 5 presented by Vannesa Feltz, it's been quite fasinating and stomach turning at the same time, Penis enlargements, reductions, chicks with dicks, designer vaginas, breast enlargements, augmentations, reductions through the nipple, belly button or under arm all quite amazing and guaranteed to put you off surgery of any kind for life.

Meanwhile I'm looking forward to Saturday's Dr Who and trying to select a new backing track for the blog, getting fed up with Stairway to Heaven, still I haven't had any compllaints yet!

Er, How come?& farting aliens

Can anyone explain to me the phenomenem of the re releases of Elvis Singles. For the last eight weeks RCA have release a different Elvis oldie that has gone straight in to the chart at No.2 except this week where 'the wonder of you' debued at No.4. All the singles drop out of the top 40 in one week, the singles are not on the Radio 1 or 2 playlists and TOTP is not allowed to play Elvis videos, so how or rather who are buting the singles? RCA perhaps? but I can't see the point as, if the tracks are not being played they do not get the royalties, Can someone enlighten me?

Meanwhile that G4 is getting right up my nose, after their performance on Madonna Mania the whinny nasal noise that little blonde haired twat makes is nauseating.
A cracking good Doctor Who this week though, you'd never have had farting aliens 30 years ago, and even left you on a cliffhanger. Though the idea of the cabinet being taken over by aliens is a bit far fetched - no one would notice.

Which Way do you lean?

Thanks to Steve W. for this: If your having trouble deciding who to vote for in the forthcoming general election then 'WHO SHOULD YOU VOTE FOR' will give you the answer, albeit one that you may not expect, certainly mine and Steve W's were. I would be interested in what Right Girl's out come would be, perhaps she could let me know.

After a visit to the Physio yesterday, I am now slingless and able to drive and use my stick, which means I can go to the pub lunchtime, however, no golf for a further 3 weeks.

Time to change the background tune and as I've had no request's except Steve's Amarillo, which I couldn't possibly inflict on you, I've chosen my own.

This could break Rooney

Footballer fined £60k for 'asshole' jibe

A German football star has been fined £60,000 for calling a policeman an "asshole".
Stefan Effenberg, 36, was stopped for speeding on the way back from a match in February 2003.
The policemen reported the midfielder for insulting an officer, claiming he called one of them an "arsehole" before driving off.Effenberg claims that he said "have a nice evening",
A Lower Saxony court ordered him to pay a £68,000 fine in November 2003 but he appealed against the decision.The appeal court confirmed the earlier verdict but reduced the fine by only £8,000.
Speaking after the verdict, Effenberg told Bild: "This has got to be a joke. You know me, if I had said asshole, I would stand by it."

Does he mean the policeman or the statement? I mean its not easy to differentiate between 'Arsehole' and 'Have a nice evening' when spoken in slurred German as we all know from. However if this were applied to Wayne Rooney on or off the pitch an fined £60k for each swear word, he'd be bankrupt in about 4 minutes

Any Requests?

You may have noticed that I have changed the background music from the previous dirge and today's Midi is to compliment the posting below. I did find a midi file of Bohemian Rhapsody but it sounded like it was being played by Fred Ogdon on the Odeon Wurlitzer - Badly, so you've got 'under pressure' Unfortunately one can only use midi files because of the size and there are not many classic rock tunes available and are really designed as polyphonic ring tones for mobiles, However you will be pleased, nay ecstatic to hear that I have found a whole site of classic midi tunes and so therefore if you have any particular or peculiar tastes, please ask and I will see if I can accommodate you.

By the way, I'm still enjoying Dr.Who and saw the New Bruce Willis film 'Hostage' this weekend (on DVD - don't ask) and can thoroughly recommend it, however give Blade III a miss.

Queen Mania

Well Tiger does it again and wins his 4th Masters Green Jacket and his 9th Major, personally I didn’t think he would do it and thought Chris DiMarco had it in the bag by day 3, but there you go that’s golf for you.
I was looking forward to ‘Queen Mania’ a celebration of 30 years, on ITV Saturday night as a Queen fan however it should have been renamed ‘Freddie Mercury’ Mania, as the ‘celebs’ were interviewed for their memories of the last 30 years since Bohemian Rhapsody was released in 1975. However they seemed to forget that there were 3 other members of the band and most of the celebs were unable to name John Deacon, Roger Taylor or Brian May. But that was because most of the interviewees weren’t even born before 1975.
I was most disappointed with Toyah Wilcox and her rendition of ‘Don’t Stop me now’ which was the worse thing I’ve ever heard since a Pop Idol audition which was a shame as I’ve always fancied Toyah and DSMN was one of my favorite Queen Numbers but worse was to come in the form of that abomination known as G4 who have had the tenacity to record and release a 2 minute version of the 6 minute Bohemian Rhapsody – unbelievably bad!
The program continued on ITV2 with interviews of slightly more grown up but totally no musical celebs, however I think it was Mel C who stated that she was devastated when she discovered that Freddie was gay in 1889! Err Freddie Gay, never, - you’ll be telling me that Elton John is Gay next! Which rock was Mel C hiding under during the 80’s and Freddie’s height of campness?
Paul Ross declared Queen as the greatest Rock band in the world and there was never anything remotely good prior to BH in 1975. Has he never heard of the Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Cream or Led Zepplin? Was he unaware that Queen had 2 top ten hits prior to BH in 1974 with Killer Queen and Sevens seas of Rhye?- Wanker mu8st have been hiding under the same rock as Mel C.
And for anyone who has ever wondered what Bohemian Rhapsody was all about (as non of the celebs did) It’s based on the story of Faust and you can search for the lyrics yourselves!

A new HRT year begins

Thank you HRT to a very pleasant evening last night and congrats to JH on his appointment as chairman, I hope he enjoys it as much as I did nearly 10 years ago. By the way John, the way to handle a yard of Ale is to drink it and not to empty it over your head! The Three Swans by the way provided an excellent meal. Thanks to Jerry for being my crutch for the evening as I can't use my stick and I'll even forgive him for abandoned me outside the ladies loo, for some reason he wouldn't come in.
Well we met today at the Plume and chose our horses for the Grand National, I chose Simply Gifted, Dom went for Clan Royal and Bin backing the girlies went for Forest Gunner, of course I was the only one to insist my bet was to win whilst the sensible amongst of us went for an each way bet. The result – My horse was the only one to get a place, 3rd , but no cigar, let this be a lesson – especially at 66-1.
Now for an evening of watching the Masters.
Oh and Dom’s home from Nigeria and brought us some wonderful gifts, glad to have him home safe.

Get your own X-ray machine

As a result of my fall yesterday Bin and I experienced the NHS at its usual streamlined non-efficiency in the Casualty dept at Swindon’s finest, The Great Western Hospital, which seems to be as reliable as its namesake’s train service.
On arrival at casualty AKA Minor injuries unit at 11.30 am (after working out that the entrance doors with the large notice applied either side stating’ Automatic Doors’ were actually not) We were pleased to note that there were only about 8 people waiting for treatment. Despite the notice on the wall next to reception telling patients that the time to see a doctor would be between 2 and 4 hours we felt quite confident that it would be sooner than that.
After One hour a nurse came out and changed the notice to read waiting time to 1-2 hours. However none of the eight people who had been there before us had moved but a considerable number had joined us, mostly mothers with toddlers. We were all assed by a nurse as to the urgency of our needs, I explained that I had probably fractures the Radius or Ulna and would need an x-ray, he agreed but told me I should wait –it wont be long he added. Finally, one at a time, slowly people were called through. Most of the children were seen first, although they didn’t appear to have any physical injuries and seemed quite happy to play in the activity pen in the corner, unlike the poor chap with half his thumb hanging off and had been there before me.
It appeared that I was low priority and after 2 hours everyone is watching each other wondering if their ailment is worse than their own. As the 8 in front of me dwindles down to 2 we are all watching the entrance and as new arrivals come in we asses their injuries too. The man before me is called, it’s now been 3 hours, and I work out that I’m next, my attention is focused on the entrance and I’m praying that a child with half a limb missing doesn’t appear. The man before me reappears 20 minutes later, looking no different from when he went in, and I brace myself for the call, nothing, 10 minutes pass by and I nervously scan the room and entrance when a mother arrives carrying a screaming child. Shit! I thought (my good nature towards humanity having dissolved some hours ago) but the mother and child have to negotiate the receptionist before they can be assessed and it was whilst the form filling was in progress my name was called. We were ushered into a cubicle where a nurse asked what she could do for me. I explained what had happened and suggested that I had probably a small fracture of the radius bone. She examined me and said I would need an x-ray as I may have damaged the radius bone – err, right I said.
I won’t bore you with the rest of the details, needless to say the diagnosis was correct, the nurse put my arm in a sling and told me to lightly exercise it as much as I could bear and now I could go home. Total time 4 hours 35 minutes.
Er I could have done that without the wait, all I needed was my own X-ray machine at home to confirm what I already knew. It was considered a quiet time in casualty, I would hate to go there when they’re busy!

Ouch!

Well Hocktide was fun, although we didn’t attend the formal lunch this year, our friends were either busy or apathetic about the idea as we have been going for many years. However this seems to have been a trend as I understand numbers were considerably down. We had an alternative ‘Tutti Lunch' in the Plume and the joined all at the Three Swans which I have to say is vastly improved since ownership is back in private hands and reminded me of the old days. All seemed to be in good spirits as one 41 club member decided that his beer would look better on me than inside him and therefore deposited his entire contents over my lap. This meant that I had to sit where I was until it had dried incase people thouht it was of my own doing. I shall have another chance to experience the Swans hospitality tomorrow night as Round Table are holding their AGM there and as I’ve not been to a meeting since the last AGM I thought ought to put in an appearance. Unfortunately I took a fall yesterday, nothing unusual in that with my condition, only this time I really hurt myself and fractured a bone in my right arm, which happens to be my walking stick arm which means I can’t get around unaccompanied for a while so working from home today. Should be interesting when I need to go to the toilet tomorrow night. I suppose I’d better cancel my golf for the weekend and the following six weeks.

Yes Den you can hear music in the background, good girl you’re the first to notice it, or at least comment on it. If you have broadband it plays instantly otherwise it comes in after a minute on modem connections – mundane isn’t it? Rather like elevator musak, it was the only midi file I could find that was recognizable, but I’ll leave it on until it annoys the hell out of you all and you plead with me to remove it. Haha!

It's a Mad World but.....

The unfortunate thing about this story is that if it were not April 1st most of this would be believable in this country.

Ananova: Britain's press play the fool

Britain's newspapers have played their annual April Fool's jokes on their readers with a string of hoax stories.
The Sun reckons gipsies have set up camp on the Queen's lawn at Windsor Castle using a 650-year-old law.The paper reckons the gipsies claim to be descended from the original builders of the castle who got permission to pitch tents there from King Edward lll.It's described as a 'disaster' for the Queen but gipsy leader Ralph Fitteris is quoted as saying: "We could do her a good deal on tarmac."

The Mirror reckons sheep with St George's Cross markings on their coats are being used to trim the pitch at the new Wembley.It says the natural fertiliser of their droppings has reduced the need for chemicals meaning less allergic reaction on players.The paper quotes a Wembley spokesman as saying: "It's based on methods going back centuries. We are not being taken for fools."

Meanwhile the Daily Mail has what it bills as a 'Royal picture exclusive' of Prince Charles and Prince Harry shopping for sexy undies.The pictures show Royal lookalikes examining bras and knickers at what is described as an exclusive lingerie shop near Windsor Castle. Prince Charles was said to have been torn between a white bodice and a racy scarlet one from the shop's "la premiere d'Avril" range.