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Sunday, October 17, 2004

Hard Luck Lee

Well, inspite of the weather forecast we managed to get in a round of golf on saturday morning without getting wet, and I was quite happy with my perfromance even though it was a friendly. Quite a contrast to coming home and watching the world matchplay competition from Wentworth for the rest of the weekend. I don't think there's much left of my fingernails (or Harringtons thumb) especially after today as Lee Westwood took it up to the 16th hole before Ernie Ells pulled out a magnificent put to seal the game. Mind you Lee still goes home with £400 grand in his pockets so I wouldn't think he would be too upset.
Well done to the BBC for televising the entire competition live with just the correct amount of time on Sunday for a visit to the pub, several Guinessess and back home in time to see the start of the final round. However it would have been nice to see Lee Westwood win it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Really Pissed off

We were due to play the Autumn round of RT/Rotary/41 club stableford this afternoon only for it to called off due to the rain at midday. I was really looking forward to this especially as the spring match had also been abandoned due to wet weather. I have not played a round for 5 weeks now and am getting extremly frustrated! lets hope the weekend weather is better, in the meantime I'll just have to go to the pub as I told 'B' I wouldn't be home till 9.00!

Funeral service goes off road

A new funeral service gives Land Rover enthusiasts the chance of one last ride in an off-road vehicle.
Alpha 4x4 Funerals is believed to be the only funeral directors in the country to provide a Land Rover hearse.
Owners Jacqui and John Dewar also offer a Land Rover limousine service for weddings.They set up the company in the summer at Harrald in Bedfordshire.
Mrs Dewar told the Norfolk Eastern Daily Press: "A Land Rover is a big part of many people's lives - either for work or for leisure.
"For many it's a faithful old friend and something that reflects a person's interests and passions. And it can play a big part at their funeral too.
"Having a Land Rover funeral is a unique and very special way for the family to add an individual touch and celebrate that person's life publicly."

Now you could take this one stage further and have a "Country Picnic style funeral", you know how one can go to a country fair or point to point and have everything out the boot of the Range Rover or similar - well just imagine, a wicker coffin with built in picnic hampler style cutlery, glasses and Pimms maker all in special compartments in the lid, I'm not sure where you'd want to store the pork pies or scotch eggs, but at least you could bury the empty bottles and crisp bags and wrappers with the body.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Boris for PM?

I read an article in the mail yesterday by Quentin Letts, which made me think twice – ‘Boris Johnson for Prime minister or as the title heading for the article read ‘The bumbler –in –chief.’ It was on radio 4 on Friday that Jonathan Dimbleby hailed him as a possible future prime minister.
He has thousands of supporters; there is a Boris fan club and a Boris cartoon strip in private eye. There are Boris t-shirts; Boris badges and a forthcoming auto biography.
He scores higher recognition in opinion polls than any other Tory MP of his age group,(he is only 40 by the way) That mop of hair is unmissable and is a great asset. Moreover he appears to be widely liked and there are not many politicians who can say that. He is so much the object of fascination that his week, Max Hastings seriously proposed Johnson’s name as a future Conservative leader.
However a current shadow minister said ‘Lets get real, talk of Boris as leader, let alone a cabinet minister in charge of a major government department is simply, utterly, risible. It is only put about by people with no understanding of politics. It is 100% not possible’
Now let’s get real – we have an idiot for a prime minister, who is no more than a puppet for an American president (who has difficulty in knowing the location of any country outside the USA) and has ambitions to create a United States of Europe with himself and Cherie as president and first lady. We have a deputy prime minister who likes a punch up, a few beers, a lot of meat pies and has ambitions to completely cover the southern English countryside with houses and concrete.
I can no more suggest the idea of Boris being Prime Minister in anymore seriousness than proposing, Ian Hislop as deputy Prime Minister, Paul Merton as Chancellor and Angus Deyton as Alastair Campbell’s script writer and Phil Jupitas as foreign secretary, however on mentioning this in the Plume to the usual Sunday lunchtime crowd, all said that they would vote for him as he would make more sense than any other current politician and would be more entertaining than most, and just think of the material he could provide for Alastair McGowan
Maybe it’s not so improbable.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Conkers and bike sheds

I’ve been off work all week with the flu and although I’ve had all this time on my hands I’ve not felt like writing a single word for the blog or the book. However in between watching daytime TV (where do they find those people to appear on Trishsa?) and DVD’s I have had the chance to catch up with the newspapers and finally make a start on the Da Vinci code which I’ve had for a month and not even opened.
A couple of items in the papers caught my attention, both reminding me of my youth, the first was an article on the dangers of playing conkers and the steps that schools and local authorities have taken to avert potential injuries caused through playing this game. Now if I remember rightly it wasn’t playing conkers that was dangerous. First of all one had to obtain the conker which involved hurling large heavy objects into a tree which usually resulted in them landing on your or your friends head (There was a time when we tried to shoot them out of the tree with an air pistol but that got awfully messy and is an entirely different story)
When one had finally obtained a conker a hole has to be made through the middle, my particular method for this was to use a meat skewer. One held the conker in one’s left hand and inserted the skewer with the right hand applying extreme pressure to the top of the conker whilst making a screwing motion. This resulted in the skewer piercing the outer hardcore of the conker, travelling through the soft bit, out the other side and firmly embedding the sharp bit inb the palm of one’s left hand causing extreme pain and a bloody flow on to the kitchen table.
Plan B was to use a drill, of the electric kind, but this proved hazardous to one health from the result of a clip round ear from father who didn’t take kindly to the holes left in the kitchen worktop after the drill had passed through the conker. I eventually found the best method to be a 6” nail and a hammer used out in the garage. Then you had to nick some boot laces!
The second item is the recent article concerning a school which has banned any bodily contact or showing of affection between boys and girls on the school premises, in particular within the vicinity of the bike sheds.(obviously ok for gays then)
Now correct me if I’m wrong but it has always been my belief that bike sheds provided three all important functions, ergo:
1. to park ones bike.
2. to hide behind from teachers and prefects whilst having a smoke.
3. and most importantly to gain ones sex education.
Now the latter mostly involved a large chested 5th former with the unlikely name of Stephanie Cox, who would expose her breasts for 5 players No.6 and for 10 she would let you touch them. I don’t remember what she did for 20 but I do remember she had an uncommonly heavy smoker’s cough and a husky voice for a 16 year old
Oh happy days!

Monday, October 04, 2004

Good for Jonny

I've just heard that Lonny Wilkinson is to succeed Lawrence Delagio as England's rugby captain..........not sure about that, I'm going to have to think this one through before making comment one way or another.
I've had a number of prople asking me why I have been posting lately, the reasons are:
1. The above is the first thing that I've found of any interest for a while.
2. I'm writing 10,000 words a week for my novel in my spare time and don't feel like posting or being creative during the week.
3. Apparently I'm not allowed to talk to or socialise with any member of the Town Council for fear of accusations of colusion, and therefore I am unable to write about anything which pisses me off currently, which usually concerns local politics.
4.I quite fancy one of the barmaids at the Plume, this is not an excuse for not posting, I just thought it worth mentioning as I beleive I'm not alone on this one.