Conkers and bike sheds

I’ve been off work all week with the flu and although I’ve had all this time on my hands I’ve not felt like writing a single word for the blog or the book. However in between watching daytime TV (where do they find those people to appear on Trishsa?) and DVD’s I have had the chance to catch up with the newspapers and finally make a start on the Da Vinci code which I’ve had for a month and not even opened.
A couple of items in the papers caught my attention, both reminding me of my youth, the first was an article on the dangers of playing conkers and the steps that schools and local authorities have taken to avert potential injuries caused through playing this game. Now if I remember rightly it wasn’t playing conkers that was dangerous. First of all one had to obtain the conker which involved hurling large heavy objects into a tree which usually resulted in them landing on your or your friends head (There was a time when we tried to shoot them out of the tree with an air pistol but that got awfully messy and is an entirely different story)
When one had finally obtained a conker a hole has to be made through the middle, my particular method for this was to use a meat skewer. One held the conker in one’s left hand and inserted the skewer with the right hand applying extreme pressure to the top of the conker whilst making a screwing motion. This resulted in the skewer piercing the outer hardcore of the conker, travelling through the soft bit, out the other side and firmly embedding the sharp bit inb the palm of one’s left hand causing extreme pain and a bloody flow on to the kitchen table.
Plan B was to use a drill, of the electric kind, but this proved hazardous to one health from the result of a clip round ear from father who didn’t take kindly to the holes left in the kitchen worktop after the drill had passed through the conker. I eventually found the best method to be a 6” nail and a hammer used out in the garage. Then you had to nick some boot laces!
The second item is the recent article concerning a school which has banned any bodily contact or showing of affection between boys and girls on the school premises, in particular within the vicinity of the bike sheds.(obviously ok for gays then)
Now correct me if I’m wrong but it has always been my belief that bike sheds provided three all important functions, ergo:
1. to park ones bike.
2. to hide behind from teachers and prefects whilst having a smoke.
3. and most importantly to gain ones sex education.
Now the latter mostly involved a large chested 5th former with the unlikely name of Stephanie Cox, who would expose her breasts for 5 players No.6 and for 10 she would let you touch them. I don’t remember what she did for 20 but I do remember she had an uncommonly heavy smoker’s cough and a husky voice for a 16 year old
Oh happy days!