Tell us something we don't know

Michael and Janet Jackson have been named the most foolish Americans of 2004. sorry shouldn't that read ' of the last ten years?' Full story here

Pick your own?

Unfortunatley I was eating my sandwiches (coronation chicken) when I read this article

Hi my name's Ahmed er sorry I mean Bob.

(Reuters) - The government has been plunged into a fresh row over immigration policy, just shortly after a whistleblowing diplomat was suspended for raising concerns over lax checks on immigrants.

The Conservatives said on Monday they had received an email from a British diplomat in Romania saying migrants were being let into Britain despite having forged papers.

He said immigration officials lacked the language skills to spot fakes and described the processing of applicants from Romania and Bulgaria as "organised crime and UK immigration policy at its worst".

Last week a Moroccan was arrested in connection with the Madrid bombings. He had been traveling the world using the identity of a 30 year old white male called Bob from Lancashire, who had never held a passport and never been outside the UK. His name was Ahmed al somethingorother and was of obviously middlle eastern appearance -and no one spotted this?

Now I know I keep going on about this especially as my work covers security technologies for exactly this sort of thing, but again the governments priorities seem all out of kilter. I expect the location of these immigrants who have been allowed in the country is known, but will they be deported? I suspect not, more likely given official documents, benefits and a house. If I fail to tax, MOT my car or not pay a parking fine on time, my house will probably be surrounded by a SWAT squad from the serious crimes division and dragged away never to be seen again.

Shouldn't we be training our passport control officers to spot forgeries, we certainly have the technology. You try and enter the States without the correct permits and documents. I feel guilty the minute I line up at immigration control in the US or any other country simply because I think my passport photo looks nothing like me. I once crossed the yellow line before my turn at Miami airport and got frogmarched by a burly security officer to the back of the line. When it came to my turn every single document and detail of my stay was noted and copied. I can just see this happening at Heathrow.

Gripe and moan

Unfortunately no golf for me this weekend, super medal on Sunday and as I haven't won one this year I'm not in it and Saturday morning we had to collect Dominic, so I was Mr. Grumpy this weekend which didn't help when we saw the annual invasion of the canoeists - a group of people who are only one position above Ramblers in the evolution chain.
These amphibian athletes seem to think that it's a good idea to canoe from Devizes to Westminster each year, which if you're keen on canoeing probably is an exciting and challenging experience. However these paddlers have to have motor vehicle support to follow their progress.
It is with this group of people that I have a problem, They use Hungerford as a way point and take up every available parking space in the high Street. I know they have to park somewhere I just wish it was somewhere else- pah humbug!

Then there were none

When I pulled in for petrol at the Texaco Garage on Saturday morning, I commented to Belinda that either Peter Stirland had moved his used car sales up to Stype or that he'd had a super sales week as the lot was bare. It was not until this morning that I heard the lot had been stolen in one go (8 cars) and 2 cars from the Bridge St. Showroom.
This is really some feat as with the current roadworks and traffic lights causing delays at all hours, I have this amusing picture in my mind of all these thieves sitting in an orderly queue at the lights or if it was one chap doing one car at a time it would have taken him a week considering the time those lights are on red.
Bad Luck Peter, I hope all are recovered.

F*** La France and Tiger who?

Well after watching 3 matches, 240 minutes of Rugby on Saturday I think my eyes must be oval, however well done Wales an excellent win over Italy, but the everyone can beat the eyeties except Scotland. I was really rooting for Scotland against Ireland, but the Irish team just simply out played the Scots.
As for the French well they just steamrollered England. They were just so physc'd up after their defeat in the world cup there was no way they were going to lose (Toulouse?) However England had a weak team and left it too late to get hold of the game but did well to end with the score they did.
A couple of months ago on this Blog, after Martin Johnson announced his retirement, I advocated Dallagio as his replacement for the England captaincy. I now think this was a wrong move, he's a great player but not a captain. Johnson, Leonard and Wilkinson were sorely missed.

Well that's all the Rugby for this season apart from my Son's County matches- 2 left, and time to concentrate on the new Golf Season. A great start at the Sawgrass PGA Players Championship, where Tiger Woods has been knocked out in the first major - aw shame! Congrats to Adam Scott who took the top prize.

England rugby team name move after Jordan

Ananova Wednesday 24th March 2004

England's rugby players go into their showdown against France with Jordan as one of their secret weapons.Coach Clive Woodward has revealed the glamour model has a training ground move named after her.
The BBC says he tells BBC1 documentary The Rugby World Cup: England's story: "We have hundreds of different calls for set-plays. We were discussing a couple of secret moves and Paul Grayson said 'Let's call them Brocket and Jordan'."
Woodward adds: "That will now last forever. Jordan's done very well - she's got an England move named after her!" He wouldn't reveal what's involved in the move.

Now then lets see who can guess the move

Easy Listening

Just looking through this week's top 40 albums chart, I'm amazed at the number of Easy listening or middle of the road artist are in the top 10. The album charts used to be dominated by rock bands but with the exception of Gun's n Roses at No.2 the top 10 looks like this:
1. George Michael
2. Guns n roses
3. Katie Melua
4. Englebert Humperdink
5. Norah Jones
6 Daniel o'Donnell
7. Will Young
8. Barry Manilow
9. Lionel Ritchie
10. Jamie Cullem.

The rest of the top 20 includes Harry Connick Jr, Lean Rimes, Dido, Enrique Iglesias and Gilbert o' Sullivan at No.20. There are only 3 R&B/hiphop bands in the chart, however the singles chart is made up of entirely R&B, Hiphop, Gansta Rap and Busted.

Now I have a theory on this: Everyone over the age of 21 now listens to BBC Radio 2 who only play the artists listed above along with a superb mixture of music from the 60's, 70's and 80's. The newer artists ie Norah Jones and Jamie Cullum CD's are now on sale in every supermarket and petrol station in the UK, which makes it easier for the middle aged buyer to obtain the music of their choice, especially as they are on display next to the newspapers and thanks to Radio 2 the names and music are familiar plus they now have bargin bins so that you can now buy Led Zepplin 4 for £3.99.The youngsters have to go to a specific record store to buy their singles like we used to on a Saturday Morning when we were teenagers and save for a month to buy an album.

So does this mean the end for Rock Bands? and I don't mean the Darkness, but I've not heard much lately from bands like Stereophonics, REM, Ocean Colour Scene or Manic Street Preachers. Your comments please.

Windy Weekend

Golf on Saturday morning proved pretty tricky with winds gusting upto 70mph. It wasn't just a case of getting the ball to go in the right direction more a case of being able to stand upright long enough to hit it. Still we managed to stay dry.
Had a few pre-match guinness in the Plume after Golf then home to watch with Steve W. and Niki fuelled with more guinness, wine and then Curry culminating in that awful practice of watching home videos from 7 years ago with us all getting bladdered at various parties.

Mothering Sunday saw us enjoying lunch at the Plume, as Dominic is away at school (and forgot to send card but did phone) I assumed his role, but I do think I ought to send him the Bill.

That's more Like it.

An excellent win for England and a most exciting match with Wales taking the lead at one point and if they'd converted their Try and their penalty then the result would have been different. My support changed to and fro during the match being half Welsh but I think it was the right result in the end. Unfortunately Scotland could not hold off the French, so we'll have to see what happens next weekend.

Is this England?

A fellow blogger - Girl on the Right - has posted her thoughts to which I have replied. She is an American living in the UK and to understand my reply you must first read her posting entitled A Grim Fairy Tale.

Middle England still exists, life goes on in the shires as it has for many centuries, people still work hard, toil the land and protect the countryside. We talk to and help our neighbours, celebrate traditions that are centuries old. We do not live in fear of crime, we get the odd burglary of a bicycle or a mobile phone stolen from an unlocked car, but we can walk the streets without fear of violence.

It is only when one ventures into the cities that these fears become realities. Fuelled by drugs, the need to obtain ones next fix means that addicts will steal or do anything to get money. Lack of good education caused by a generation of single parenting means that many youths of today have no social, communication or life skills. They and their inner city parents are seduced by advertisers of fast food and hardware that they can not afford or resist, thus turning to a life of crime to sustain their need.

As the government has gone soft on young criminals, rarely handing out custodial sentences, having a criminal record is no longer a stigma of the youth today, in fact its almost a badge of pride. At certain schools you are not considered "in" unless you have been arrested.

The root of all these problems comes from the lack of respect. Respect for authority, for one elders and the Country and its history, culture and traditions. The offspring of mixed parentage have no historical culture to draw on especially if the parents are from different countries ie Afro/Asian.

The cause has been successive governments influenced by left wing policies. With the growing number of immigrants, ethnic minorities are fast becoming majorities and the governments which have allowed political correctness to prevail now find that they are unable to change the tide without being accused of racism. It's no secret that the majority of violent crime is committed by young blacks. London is now only composed of 50% English born whites, the balance being a combination of immigrants and other national who have decided that the UK welfare system is more generous than any other European country.

These immigrants have no respect for our culture or traditions, many refuse to learn or speak our language, yet if we so much as visit a middle Eastern country we must abide by the rules of their religious faiths. But it is civil authorities that cause this by making it difficult for them to integrate into communities,by isolating them they create ghettos which breed contempt. You will not find this in rural communities, we welcome all comers to our community provided they respect us.

Even our own Christian faith is in turmoil internally, split over same sex marriages, divorce, Gay Bishops and priests and as If none of this is enough we are told what we can eat, produce or grow by the EEC in Brussels!

I do think we are still a land of Honour, its just that the honourable are dwindling and fast becoming outnumbered. We respect and celebrate the wining of international sporting acheivements - notably England's Rugby world cup win, and rarely a Cricket test, but the yobbish city culture takes over when two opposing football clubs meet. That has nothing to do with racism but a result of a non repespective society.

Tomorrow England meet Wales at Twickenham in the 6 Nations Rugby Test. 70,000 people will be in that stadium equally split between the 2 nations, but whatever the result hands will be shaken and drinks shared between opposing fans - This is England, a small part but a true part.

That's why we will remain cocooned in our rural retreats.

Sid Web has trouble lighting BBQ

Intercourse or Golf course?

Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf.
The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.
The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry.
The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play.
The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".

Belle Outed

Well the identity of Belle de Jour has been reported today in the Times although I think this is still supposition. Identity crisis: Sarah Champion, "outed" as Belle de Jour, did not deny that she was behind the supposed call girl's website. But Belle wrote in her weblog that she remained unidentified Read full article here
There has been a phenomenal following to this identity crisis and if you want to claim to be Belle or look at some of the claimants go to I'm Belle

What would you say?

I have copied this from a fellow blogger - Eros Blog I will add his link in return.

Wife, a former model who had gained 6 stones in the three years since marriage: "I'm sooo fat."
Husband, who had been hoping to get laid and is dismayed by this development: "You are terribly sexy. You've got great curves."
Wife, not letting it go: "Tell me: Am I the fattest woman you've ever shagged?"

Question for readers: What is the proper response to this? I can't imagine.

If you visit Eros you can read the whole conversation and some of the replies.

Where's my Shirt

Scientists have shown that the bubbles in a pint of Guinness really do move down instead of up. To mark St Patrick's Day, a team of Scottish and US researchers has produced video evidence to show the bubbles being dragged to the bottom of the glass. An earlier study concluded that the phenomenon may only have been an optical illusion. If you're really that bored you can read the report here

However whilst we are on the subject of Guinness, which happens to be my choice of pint, they have been running a promotion, during the 6 Nations test , on 4 pack cans whereby you collect 3 tokens and send of a cheque for £9.95 and in return you will receive a top quality Cotton Traders Black Rugby shirt with emblazoned with the Guinness logo - simple. The promotion is supposed to run until June and I have 2 Tokens and my cheque all ready. Unfortunately when I went to buy my weekend supply and collect my 3rd token I found only plain 4 packs - non promotion packs therefore I am one token short of a shirt! and not happy.
On enquiry to the Supermarket employee ( 16 year old, acne covered, spiky hair) It was suggested that as it was St Patricks day there had been a great demand on Guinness.Then why were the remaing 4 packs without Shirt promotion? "Dunno" he replied. Will the new stock be carrying the promotion? "Dunno" he replied. I will have to wait and see.
In the meantime if anyone has a spare token let me know.

Having a Hard Time?

I couldn't let this one passed - Ananova March 15th:
A man has become a tourist attraction in the Dominican Republic after admitting himself to hospital with an erection that had lasted six days.
Staff at Jose Maria Cabral and Baez hospital in Villa Gonzalez said nurses, doctors and members of the public had turned up to glimpse his predicament for themselves.
Terra reports that unfortunate Igancio Cabrera, 25, was told by doctors that urgent surgery was required because untreated the condition could have left him impotent.The hospital's director told the paper that since Mr Cabrera denied taking sexual stimulants, he could be suffering from a rare form of anaemia that can give men erections for long periods of time.
In the meantime I expect he's keeping the nurses happy.

Belle de Jour

I have extolled the virtues of the Blog Belle de Jour here before and have a link over there on the right. Belle is a 28 year old London Call girl who maintains a journal detailing the life and times of a working girl. Well it turns out that she has been offered a book deal to publish her diary in print. Which is great as I and I would imagine many others would greatly enjoy her writings in print.
However the Mail on Sunday and the Times (Click for Report Here) reported this story yesterday and claim Belle to be the fictitious writings of an anonymous journalist, possibly American and almost certainly connected to the Guardian. I hope this is not the case as I enjoy reading this blog daily, and almost get a feeling of knowing Belle personally. Obviously I have no idea of her appearance, but that this part of the mystique of blogs, we write our jottings which a read by a very few acquaintances but outside that circle our blogs are visited from all around the world. This is usually by mistake as most arrive here from search engines after typing -Jordan+Tits+Cup size or Naked women playing golf, both having been mentioned somewhere in this blog. Some stay and read a bit others exit immediately and some come back regularly.
So Belle whether you are real or not - keep up the blog and I look forward to the book.

Meeting with El Presidente

As a postscript to last weeks postings, I met with El Presidente Manuel Young - the leader of the 3 man ruling military junta of The People's Republic of Eddington - in the car park of Sommerfield's on Saturday after Golf, I had just nipped in for a pork pie and a bottle of Fitou to take home for lunch. He claims that he is not concerned nor impressed with the display of weapons of mass destruction displayed by The Croft Liberation Front as pictured below. However he will be attending the meeting in April at the ancient former civil war Royalist headquarters - Littlecote House.

We are a little surprised not to have had any comment or contact yet from the HRT (Hungerford Republican Triad) who are convening the meeting chaired by the infamous aforementioned Fifi le Fluey.

Win for Oxfordshire

Well the weathermen got it wrong again this weekend. We enjoyed a very warm and dry 18 holes on Saturday morning, the course being in very good condition considering it was covered with snow on Friday morning. Torrential rain was forecast for Sunday, so off we went to Henley for the Oxfordshire v Bucks match dressed entirely in wet weather gear and complete with brolly's only to have an entirely dry afternoon. However it had rained continuously the night before and the pitches were quagmires. Dominic had an excellent game with his team winning 15-0 over bucks, however after 15 minutes of play it was difficult to tell who was who due to every player being coated in mud fro head to toe.

Man Identified as ruling Junta

Since Monday's exclusive of dodgy dealings in Hungerford, our "local Businessman" has been identified as non other than El Presidente Manuel Young, the leader of the 3 man ruling military junta of The People's Republic of Eddington, by one of the PRE's own leading members known to have sympathies outside of Eddington.(see comment 8th march)

Since this report from PRE intelligence we now have evidence of a planned coup d'etat by the rival organisation the CLF (the Croft Liberation Front) Shown here is a picture of their leader Al Akbimbo Kettle demonstrating some of their awsome weaponary. It is thought that things could come to a head in April at an annual gathering of these groups get together to elect a new leader of the organisation currently presided by Fifi le Fluey.
Click on image to enlarge

Goodbye Dave

Yesterday we attended the funeral of a friend who died last week and said our fair wells. He would have been pleased with the excellent turn out and we were pleased to toast his memory at his bar. He will be sadly missed by many not least his bookmaker.

Local Businessman in Transvestite Scandal

A Prominent local businessman was caught on camera recently, allegedly receiving payments from the notorious Madame infamously know as Fifi le Fluey. The Madame is known to be head of a clandestine organisation believed to be involved in regular meetings where outrageous acts are carried out. Further investigations are being carried out as it is believed that Fifi is soon to retire and hand over the reigns of power. Watch this space for further developments. Click here to enlarge picture

F1 or F-All

I see that Herr Schumacher has shown us how boring F1 is going to be this season, this no doubt going to be a repeat of 2002 with Ferrari dominance. The amount of money thrown at this sport is beyond comprehension and still its as exciting as having a root canal filing. I think they should do like in the advert and make the drivers get out of the car every 10 laps, spin themselves around 10 times and then get back in the car and drive off. Now that would be fun

Could do Better

Well a pretty miserable mishmash of rugby over the weekend. I've always reckoned Ireland as a strong and skilled team and always have a good chance in the 6 nations, but it was England's poor play that lost them the game. How can you loose that many line outs before changing the thrower, and the ball handling was atrocious. Combined with a Biased Aussie ref, I'm surprised we did as well as we did.

However I knew Wales was going to have a tough match against France and got really excited when Wales took the lead in the first half. But again due to silly mistakes and the poorest scrummaging I've ever seen from Wales, France got the better of them.

Golf was naff on Sunday, Played in the medal and started off really well but things went horribly wrong on the 6th and never got any better apart from a birdie on the 8th. However my legs were playing up and I had to retire. Besides the hail storm on the 9th didn't exactly inspire me.

Golf Joke of the Week

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

Hungerford documentary

I thought I would just add my thought to the subject ( for those not up to speed, the BBC are planning or have made at documentary of the Hungerford massacre when in August 1987 Michael Ryan shot and killed 16 people and wounded many more). I remember the fear and shock at the time but in the weeks that followed we as a community helped each other and learned to come to terms with what had happened.
The intrusion of the media at the time was horrific, even a year later they were back on the anniversary, and when other similar incidents took place, ie, Dunblane, out came the footage of tragic scene's of comparison to Hungerford. We were coping well and 10 years on another documentary sensitively recorded the anniversary, I didn't watch it but I do not recall the protests we have been hearing over this latest and totally unnecessary version.

We, and especially the injured survivors of the attack do not need reminding of that tragic summers day, and I can't imagine why anyone from outside the area would be interested in why a lunatic woke up one morning and decided to kill as many people he could before turning a gun on himself 17 years ago. I understand the town council still has to see a preview of this tape, but it seems they will have little sat in what is used and what is not. A message to the BBC we do not need reminding, its still very clear in our minds!

To my USA friends and readers, this is the equivalent of a reconstruction of 911 although on a smaller scale but still causing offence

Stan Collymore's 'Dogging' Sex Shame

Former England star Stan Collymore has confessed to having sex with strangers in car parks - an underground practice known as dogging.The footballer said he was "ashamed" of what he had done and had apologised to his wife Estelle.He told the Daily Mirror he had visited dogging sites around 15 times after reading about them on the internet.

APOLOGISED TO HIS WIFE!, I can just see that - "oh sorry dear I just fancied a bit of a rough shag with a complete stranger, I hope you don't mind"
Mrs Collymore " Of course not dear - more gravy with those chips?"

Where were the Pirates

I was sorry to see that Pirates of the Caribbean did not receive any oscars last night, I certainly think it was the best and most entertaining film I have seen in a long time - and Johnny Depp should have got an award for his impersonation of the most elegantly wasted man in rock - Keith Richards.

Elvis and Shergar bet defies odds

This has got to be a good bet The odds for Lord Lucan playing Elvis Presley in the Mens Singles final at Wimbledon have got to be shorter than Tim Henman winning it. Click here for full story

Pint Swipe

Well an Interesting weekend, with 4 guests for supper on Friday night, not mentioning any names but one has short blonde hair and hails from the land of our Fathers, a very pleasant evening with the girls demolishing a bottle of Port and the Guys seeing of a complete single malt, interspersed with several bottle of red wine, so not surprisingly a late rise on Saturday Morning. Belinda drew the short straw and went to pick up Dominic from school as he was coming home for the Berks v Oxon County match on Sunday, and as we haven't seen him since the new year (he went to Italy skiing for half term) I was quite looking forward to seeing him. Funny how that changes when he arrives home with several tons of washing and kit which is immediately spread around every available space in the house.
My CD collection is raided because 16 year olds have suddenly discovered Duran Duran, The Eagles and Deep Purple, Strange mixture I know but apparently they are currently cool, I just hope he doesn't get into The Stones or Bowie because he's not getting his hands on those.
So no Golf this weekend as Sunday dawns and we prepare for the Match on Sunday afternoon at Newbury.We arrive at 12.30 for a 2.00pm kick off, drop Dominic at changing rooms and head for the bar. Order drinks and park our bums on one of the high stools combined with high table in the middle of the bar area. Took two sips from my Guinness ,place glass on table, turn to talk to Belinda who points my attention to the boys warming up on the first team pitch, outstrech my hand to grasp pint only to find thin air.
My pint had gone, missing - stolen in the blink of an eye. The bar was very busy, but I immediately turned to see who was holding a pint of black stuff nearby - no one, all bitter drinkers - well that's Newbury Rugby club for you, It wouldn't happen at Hungerford!
All ended well with a convincing win for Oxfordshire 8-5, a try each and a penalty for Oxon, Dominic playing an excellent game.