Joke of the Day

A novice nun goes to her mother superior and confesses that she has a case of syphilis. Thank God for that, cries the Mother Superior, I was really getting fed up with the Beaujolais!

R & B = Rhythm & Blues –Does it?

This is my Friday Gripe - Now correct me if I’m wrong but in January 1963 the greatest Rock ‘n Roll band in the world – The Rolling Stones – prior to their famous independent gig at the Crawdaddy club (where they met Andrew Loog Oldman, and the rest was history) were billed as "Rhythm & Blues Excitement, every Monday and Thursday with the Rolling Stones". The Marquee international Jazz Club was dubbed at the time “The Headquarters of Rhythm & Blues.

Keith Richards and Brian Jones influences at the time were Bo Diddley, Elmore James and Chuck Berry whilst Mick wanted to emulate Jimmy Reed and Alexis Korner and Bill Wyman was true blues, influenced by true blues men such as Muddy Waters, John Lee Hooker and BB King.

Now to my point - how come today’s artists such as Craig David, Beyonce Knowles, the Black Eyed Peas, 50 Cent and even – God forbid – Victoria Beckham are classed as R & B acts? Have I missed something here? Reggae is Reggae, Rock is Rock, Latin American is recognizable, Jazz is – well something indescribable – and The Blues always started with “ I woke up this morning – De de l’ de De”. But today any black or club artist seems to be labelled as R & B.

Does this therefore mean something different today like MOBO - Music Of Black Origin? They even have R & B awards but I never see nominations for Gary Moore, Eric Clapton, Pete Green. Have a look at the top 50 R&B acts chart here there are very few original names : Santana, Al Green and Barry White are just the few that I would put into the true classification.

Can someone please give me an explanation –is the new R & B just a classification of any music that does not belong to the previous 4 decades?

Marina

I see the tree hugging loonies at out for again tomorrow night with a meeting in the Town Hall to discuss whether we want the Marina or not. I wouldn't mind if these people were directly affected by the proposed development. There are currently only half a dozen or so of the anti-pressure group who live within a mile of the site many of them even from neighbouring parishes. Is the issue the water impact on the Marsh or the real reason the hotel and leisure complex?
Let the experts decide what the impact will be on the natural environment. Good can come of this marina and hotel complex, least of all much needed employment for local people, leisure facilities, tourism and added patronage for our pubs, restaurants and shops, and for good measure why not throw in a Golf course while their at it.

Could it be that local hotel and B&B owners are frightened of a little competition?

It Snowed

Well finally, after 2 days of promising severe winter conditions we had several inches of white stuff dumped on our totally unprepared roads (of course no one warned the council gritters) so this morning we have heavily compacted frozen snow on all major routes out of Hungerford, and where do I need to be today - Coventry. I am supposed to be attending a the IIPSEC conference and exhibition on behalf of the DTI MI programme, Where am I now? - sat at my desk 4 miles from home having taken an hour to get the office so needless to say I will not be going to Coventry- Whoopee!

However son is coming home for an exeat this weekend which means he needs collecting from the deepest part of the cotswolds which he reports currently has a similar landscape to Val di'sere and requires collecting by 6.00pm Friday night. Some Chance!

News Flash

I WIN! Its just been announced that Lawrencec Dallagio will be the new England captain
see my post of Weds 14th January - I think Fluey owes me a pint!

Gripe in commons

You see people do take note of this blog, today at 12.30 in the house of commons: Ten Minute Rule Bill:Motor Vehicle Insurance Disc- Andy Burnham (for up to 20 minutes). Obviously having read my last Friday's gripe (see below) has decided to do something about it.

incidentally, my DTI programme The Management of Information was a subject of debate in the house last night when Labour MP Tom Watson wanted assurances that RFID Chipping would only be used for security and not marketing purposes. For a full transcript and reply from Stephen Timms MP go here

I'm A Celebrity.............

Call me sad (call me who ever you want me to be) Well that's it I'm hooked, John Lydon is a star - again, ( I thought he was going to punch one of those ostriches in the beak) and I reckon Jordan will get her jugs out by Friday and Jenny Bond will mention that she's not wearing any knickers by Monday, Kerry Mcfadden must go NOW! My bet is on John Lydon for king of the Jungle - any takers?

Yorkshire Clubbers Beware

Night clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to injecting themselves with Ecstasy directly with dental hyperdermics. This highly dangerous practice has become known as E by gum!

Menagerie Supper

Many thanks to Anthea, a dear long time friend who invited us for supper last night. A most entertaining evening, mostly provided by Jasmin, a 12 year old Cockatoo who has free range and perches comfortably on your shoulder whilst sat at the table, Every now and then she extends her head plumage and stretches her body to its full height and then bobs up and down whilst singing Doo- Be-Doo-Be-Doo. This is one of the funniest things I've seen, what with the combination of Anthea's other animals- a three legged Jack Russell called Robin (Reliant) and a one eyed cat who snored throughout the whole meal and who's name I can't recall, the whole evening provided much mirth.

Nigel's Moroccan Event

Well we attended this event on Saturday night, and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Nigel and John made an excellent job of transforming the hall into a Bedouin tent (or is that Bedwyn -local joke) complete with nubile (and not so nubile) Belly dancers, who after entertaining us with their routine, invited us guest to partake in a little hip wriggling and shimmying, As you can imagine I sat this one out!
The food was excellent even if the Goat tasted like chicken - or was it chicken? However I thoroughly enjoyed it and was glad the wine was South African as I can't say I have ever tasted Moroccan Merlot.

Well done Nigel & John

Weather still holding

The morning was bright and sunny, and as I de-iced the car I thought that all is well with God's land as I headed toward the golf course estimating the front 4 greens to be free of frost by the time I arrived, Timing slightly off by half an hour, as on the first green I putted 30 ft only for my ball to arrive at the hole the size of a cricket ball having collected snowball style frost on the way. This obviously made putting difficult to say the least until the frost had melted after which I played the wankiest round imaginable and couldn't hit a cows arse with a banjo - All is not well in Gods Land.

If You've got to go - you've got to go

Friday Afternoon Gripe

On a more serious note, and now that my hangover from last night has cleared, I want to have a gripe about something.

There have been more recent deaths caused by, hit and run, uninsured, unlicensed, untaxed and un-MOT’d drivers. These drivers in the last three incidents have been illegal immigrants, in this country on false passports and driving cars and motorcycle’s without ever having had a lesson or taken a test. Many of them unable to read the traffic signs as English is not their first language.

Yet anyone can buy a car in this country without proof of identity or the ability of being able to drive. Surely if we can change the law to enable traffic wardens to do us for parking more than 6 inches from the curb or entering a bus lane, why can’t we have a law which prevents you from purchasing a vehicle- trade or private- without producing a valid driving license and not being able to drive away without producing a certificate of insurance? Which of course can be verified by the DVLA

It seems that that this government is more concerned with cash revenue from speed cameras than preventing deaths from the estimated 1 million uninsured illegal drivers – and we’re paying for it!

Golf Joke of the Week

A guy's boat capsizes and he swims ashore to a desert island. On the beach lies a beautiful woman, her ample bust falling out of a tight wetsuit. She tells him she'll grant him any wish he'd like. "I'd kill for a cigarette,'' he says. She zips down the top of the wetsuit a little, reaches into her bosom and pulls out a packet of Benson & Hedges.Wow that's fantastic he says. "Anything else?" she says. "Well an alcoholic drink would go down a treat. She zips the top down a little further, reaches in and pulls out a bottle of exquisitely chilled Chablis Grand Cru a cut crystal goblet and a corkscrew. He's relaxing with his wine and his smoke when she says to him, "Would you like to play around?" He looks at her excitedly and blurts out, "Fuck me , you haven't a set of clubs in there, too?"

If you Lived here you'd be home by now!

I owe this Blog to Quin Parker - a freelance journalist who publishes an excellent page and inspired me to start these ramblings. if you want to see one of the best blogs click here

New Boy

Welcome Glen McDermott who was inducted as a new member of Hungerford Round Table at the Pelican Last night. I hope he's alive and well and that someone got him home OK, I was impressed with his skill with the first yard id ale but the second one got a bit messy. Perhaps we should have let him do it before he had his dinner.

I think Beckhams gone too far this time

Penguin Golf Driving

Here's a bit of fun to while away the time whilst waiting for your next email. Go to this site and click on the yeti with the club. When the penguin jumps click the yeti again and see how far you can drive the penguin. My personal best is 595 yds so far - any takers?

Salad Days

A knife-wielding thief was foiled after a shopkeeper drenched him in salad cream. Lorraine Avery drove 18-year-old Michael Watt out of her shop by repeatedly squirting him with the contents of a catering-sized bottle.

When police arrived shortly afterwards, they followed the trail of salad cream along the street and found Watt trying to clean it off.

I prefer mayonaise myself especially when confronted with a celery-weilding opponenet and usually ask for a rub down before departure.

HOW?

So thats what happened to Jack Hargreaves!

Is Your Penis too Small?

If you like many others have been receiving spam email for products claiming to increase the size of your Dick and wondered whether they really work, then here is an article that explains all, click here. If anyone has actually tried one of these products then I hardly expect you'll be admitting it so we'll never know. - Now where did I leave that ruler - err sorry tape measure?

Designers on Acid?

This is the new Insight from Honda. I saw one this morning in Somerfields Car park. Its colour was something between Piss yellow and Puke green and looked even worse. So I guess the designer had been caught having an affair with his boss's wife and was fired - this must be his revenge! Just wait till Jeremy Clarkson get hold of it.

Tendjewberrymud (Thai fronglais- for Thank you very much)

I found this most amusing, its an actual telephone conversation between a guest in a Thailand hotel and room service and was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service: Morny. Ruin sorbess
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialled room service.
RS: Rye. Ruin sorbess. Morny! Dewish to odor sunteen?
G: Uh…yes…I’d like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow july den?
G: What?
RS: Ow july den…pryed, boy, pooch?
G: Oh the eggs, How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow july dee baycem. Crease?
G: Crisp will be fine
RS: Hokay. An san toes
G: What?
RS: San tos. July san toes?
G: I don’t think so
RS: No? Judo one toes?
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what “judo one toes” means.
RS: Toes! Toes!....why juw don won toes? Ow bow singlish mopping wif bother?
G: English muffin! I’ve got it you were saying ‘Toast’. Fine. Yes, an English .muffin would be fine
RS: We Bother?
G: No. Just put bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter. Just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy? Tea, Milk?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all
RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baycem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh and copy. Rye??
G: Whatever you say
RS: Tendjewberrymud
G: You welcome

Oh well it made me laugh

Twosome

Two guys on the course this morning in front of us. Play was very slow, so when we caught them up at the third tee we asked what the problem was. The first guy told us that there were a lady two ball in front and that they were taking forever. We suggested that he go and have a word and ask whether they would let us through. OK, he said, and off he marched down the fairway only to turn around half way and return. What's the matter I asked? He replied - slight problem here, that's my wife in front and she playing with my mistress. Ok said his partner I'll go and tell them. 30 seconds he was back and said- small world isn't it!

Weather or Not

Well the good old weather forecasters got it wrong again. Forecast for last night and early this morning - torrential rain and 50mph winds so the likelihood of golf this morning for an 8.30 tee off was slim especially with the rain we've had over the last 3 days - expected water logged course, no play. So imagine my surprise this morning (didn't make the effort to rise early as not expecting to play) when pulling back the curtains to find bright sunshine and an exquisite frost ( hard ground = duff drives, ball rolls much further). Mad sudden dash to make Deanwood on time - arrived with partner waiting on tee for me - not good form!

It turned out to be an excellent morning, golf pretty good, only losing 1 hole to Chris Reeves - moral do not trust weather forecasts but if you feel that you can't live without the experts telling you how the days weather should turn out you can get the weather forecast for Hungerford every day sent to you by email -just click here to set up. - select region then Berkshire then Hungerford and then on right hand side select to have the forecast sent to you each day.

By the way nice to see Mike Shearing up and about again - LOL!

Website of the week

Here's a good website for all of you who appreciate a glimpse of stocking top accidentally revealed by celebrities Click Here

Marina

Here's another little irk. "The friends of Freemans Marsh" and their anti marina campaign. Hasn't anyone pointed out that the proposed marina is in fact a little way from the Marsh? I personally do not think that there will be any impact on the marsh if the water supply can be sorted. Only an environmental Impact evaluation will tell.

In the meantime can I suggest Chris Ticehurts and his cronies re-name themselves "The friends of the old piggery site very nearly adjoining but in fact some way away from Freemans Marsh"

With a Little help - The Triangle Field?

Anyone who saw "with a little help from my friends" - an ITV reality programme - last night must be wondering where's the reality in that. The task was for celebrity former cricketer Phil Tuffnel assisted by that irksome Linda Barker to build and equip a cricket pavilion in 7 days without spending a single penny. Now this wasn't your average cricket pavilion (white wooden shack with a blackboard and a bit of decking out front) more of an average Travelodge complete with computerised classrooms. Now call me cynical ( call me Cynthia Shagalot if you like) but how come they can get the panning permission in the time and then get at least 20 different companies to donate materials free of charge without any acknowledgement?.

Now maybe we should learn a lesson here - Mansil Morgan Take note re the Rugby Club

Boob Fighting

Here's a novel new party game, I'm not sure whether it could be included in the next summer HRT social party but I certainly think we ought to book these girls for the AGM!
View mpg video here

Joke of the Day

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and he is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window. He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities." He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here."

Interesting Blog

I have just found this interesting blog diary site. Its the diary of a London Call Girl called Belle. She gives a very descriptive view into the daily life of a working girl - sorry guys there's no pictures but some great links to her freinds' sites. visit Belle de Jour

Sad Days

I was sorry to hear this week that Martin Johnson is to retire from professional rugby, especially as I have only just got to the end of chapter I of his autobiography - seems rather pointless now to go on - anyway surely this will now pave the way for that other old timer to make a Captaincy Comeback - Lawrence Dallagio.

Who do you think should be the next England Captain? Go here and look at the profiles of the candidates. Enter the name of your choice in the comment box and we'll see who's right - maybe a pint for the winner!

The first post

Welcome to - If you'd rather be playing golf - or in fact doing anything other than what you are mundanely doing now, Crox's new Blog (Weblog). You are welcome to comment on any of my postings which I hope to update on a regular basis - once I work out how to set this thing up with a comment box. In the meantime send me an email by clicking on the right "email me"