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Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Telemarketing tips

Further to Grocer Jacks post regarding 'cold call bird' I thought that I would add a few guidlines for those of you who get caught out when picking up the phone only to be confronted with cold call bird:
Personally I usually get 2 types of sales call which usually start with " can I speak to the person who deals with your health insurance?"
At this point I usually claim there's no point as I'm HIV+ (untrue) or that I have a severe neuro condition (true) at which point they hang up.
The other is water coolers, would I like a free trial for 1 month.
"how much water do I get for 1 month?" - 76 litres - how the frig do you expect me to drink 76 litres of water on my own?

Here's a guide which should cover all other types of cold call:

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could do with some money.
2. If they start out with "How are you today? say, "why do you want to know!" alternatively, you can tell them,"I'm so glad you asked, because no one else seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my gums are bleeding and I've just buried my mother....." if they try to get to the sell just tell them about your piles.
3. If they say my name is Jane Sackofshite from the whomygoolie company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them questions about their company or the weather where they are until they hang up.
4. This one works best in Jacks scenario: when cold call bird says "hi my names judy, can I just have a moment of your time" you wait for a second and then with a real husky voice ask " what are you wearing?"
5. Cry out "judy! is that you? oh my god how have you been, it's been so long!" hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to work out where she could know you from.
6. Tell them that you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up, ask them to repeat every question - several times - each time saying Louder... louder..louder!
7. One of the best ones is to ask them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.
8. And finally, again if it's a girl tell her "Ok I will listen but I should tell you that I'm not wearing any clothes..........apart from these black fishnet hold ups and a cute little thong in cherry pink and.....Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


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