Well- (in the form off any old time honored blues song lyrics) I woke up this morning - and during he usual ablutions in the bathroom, managed to snort shaving cream up one nostril, fortunately at the point of having passed a final swish of my razor, but not quick enough to suppress a sneeze which ended with me nicking My chin which bled profusely.
Having stuck the obligatory patch of toilet tissue to the wound I then proceeded to brush my teeth whilst doing so the offending snorted shaving cream caused me to sneeze again. This resulted in me shoving my electric toothbrush probe into the furthermost corner of my mouth resulting in more blood loss.
before taking a shower and in the normal order of affairs , I found it necessary to sit on the toilet. Now at this point I need to explain that we have a wooden seat attached to the porcelain by two simple socket type holder which under normal circumstances are perfectly adequate; however our seat is cracked so it is liable to move around if you are not careful.
Sneeze No.3 projected the seat forward, unfortunately the family jewels hang below the seat and made contact with the porcelain. After several tearful moments, I dragged myself off the floor and climbed into the shower willing the hot water to wash away the misery, only to find that the hot had been plunged by Dom who had left for college a couple of hours earlier and Belinda who was at that moment in the kitchen washing up, having had her shower previously.
Now I'm really pissed off, I have a Blood Letting (test) at the surgery in 45 minutes so I do not have time to let the immersion heat up, so a Luke warm shower it is followed by insertion of my contact lenses which for some reason have not completely diluted the cleaning solution in which they reside in overnight. This results in me inserting lenses soaked in Hydrogen peroxide directly into my eyes.
For those who have not tried this - don't! It's like driving six inch nails through your eyeballs, but there again I've never tried that - but it must be something like it.
So I finally make it to the surgery and experience an uneventful blood letting at the experienced and extremely pretty hands (and the rest of) Nurse Nikki. I had been asked by my GP to book an ear syringing during my next visit, 'No problem' they said,'We can do Friday however; you need to insert 7 drops of olive oil in each ear for 10 minutes each twice a day until Friday'.
'Virgin or Extra Virgin?' I asked the receptionist
'Oh I'm sure Virgin is Ok', she replied.
Boy I can't wait until Friday.